The Experiment
by Kristy-Lei
Summary: Hermione, ever curious tries a little experiment. Hilarity ensures as she carries out the day as a dude. Very funny ficlet. Written diary style. R


**A/N;** _Ok I cannot take all the credit for this, I read a short story a while ago about a girl who did this and I found the idea really funny, so I made a Hogwarts version._

_I hope you like it... :D_

* * *

My name is Hermione Granger and I am a witch, yesterday I was a Wizard.

Don't look like that.

It was an experiment and I was curious, what more do you want?

Anyway, I did it; I did things like 'Pump Iron' and say 'Fuckin Shit' about 357 times. And scratch my cock.

Uh. Oh. It itches now.

Scratchedy scratch

"Yeah man, that's the shit right there…Fuckin Shit"

When the idea first came to me I thought I wouldn't have any trouble satisfying my curiosity. I have lots of Wizard friends, ones which like Quidditch and on occasion have been known to hunt in packs. The amount of testosterone I'm subjected to could be collected and stored in nice little jam jars and placed on a shelf in my room. Each specimen facing due north of course to soothe my need for a feng shui environment. Yet, with all that going for me I still had no idea what it was to actually _be_ a wizard. I decided then that I would have to experience the world as me do.

Potions that would nicely make the change for me were regrettably against Hogwarts rules, so I had to make do another way.

So deciding not to wash my hair or indeed shower at all, I climbed into bed, ready for what tomorrow would bring.

This my record of that day.

**6.30am**

I crawled out of bed and decided I needed a beer, not any beer; I wanted an ice cold butterbeer. Unfortunately all I had was the remains of a half drunken bottle I had last night. By the time I woke up it was flat and tasted like a fart. But who cares? All real men need a drink in the morning, even if it does taste like pigs sweat.

**7.00am**

I threw on a pair of Ron's jeans I found in the common room and a t-shirt that said 'Smarter than the average beaver'. I completed my new found look with a ripe banana down my pants and a baseball cap to cover my unsightly hair. I bent the brim into a perfect 'V' to show off my manliness.

**7.30am**

I make my way down to the great hall for breakfast and sit next to Neville.

"Man, Longbottom what a night" I say.

"What?"

"Dude I drank my arse off, I was on the can for like half an hour pissin this mornin'"

He just looked at me blankly.

I punched his shoulder, "it's a bloody miracle I didn't piss myself".

"Hermione are those my pants?" Ron asks looking at me strangely from down the table.

I look down at what I'm wearing.

"Those aren't girl's pants you know" he tells me.

"Girl?" I stand up and ask him. I grab my banana, "I aint no girl this is a penis".

Ron scrunched up his nose and looked down at his own plate of food. I look around at the rest of the hall shaking my head and rolling my eyes.

I sit back down and mumble "Fuckin shit" into my coffee.

**7.50am**

I arrive outside the potions classroom ready for my first lesson of the day. Snape opens his door and looks down his nose at me, "you are early Miss Granger". He sneers.

"Yeah Ron was being a total fairy about his jeans" I say pointing both fingers at them and smiling smugly.

He raises an eyebrow and looks me over.

Suddenly Harry comes up from behind, "Hermione what the hell is that?" he says looking at my groin.

I smile, "jealous Harry?"

"Not really" he looks at me worriedly.

"Sure you are, I bet you want to touch it"

"I don't even know what 'it' is"

"Whatever" I say as I pushed past a bewildered looking Snape to get into the classroom.

"You playing Quidditch later?" I ask him "gotta work on that defence".

He was still staring at my meat, "Er-no, I'm gonna call it an early night, do some homework and that".

"What kind of man are you" I ask

"The tired kind I guess" he says slowly looking up at me and away from my dick.

I walk over to him and punch him in the arm, "suppose you want to eye up all the boards in the common room eh?"

"Boards?" he asked eyebrow rose.

"Sorry- chicks, Jeeze"

"Hermione are you ok?" he said patting my arm.

"Fine dude"

"Okay, well I'm going to go and sit with Ron now then"

I thumped my chest twice in a Sammy Sosa style and finished it with a peace sign. He just nodded and smiled.

**9.40am**

Boring day as usual. Snape refused to let me read my porn mag I had stashed in my bag. All I could do was walk around holding my penis and grunting periodically until the lesson finished.

**11.15am**

Looked up from my seat in transfiguration to see lavender staring at me, "Hermione?"

"Hey sweetness"

"Ron said you had a new look and err-" she looked south, "what the fuck is that?"

I stroked my banana through Ron's jeans, "just a buddy looking for a friend, do you want be his friend Lav?"

"Oh Merlin" she gasped

"That's right baby"

She laughed, "Whatever potion you're on Hermione, I'd like some".

I nod then lift my arms to get a whiff of my pits, ahhh manly goodness.

Lavender raises both her eyebrows and smiles at me a little scared.

I shoot her a kiss and a wink.

**1.00pm**

Lunch time came and I was hungrier that I can ever remember being before in my life. I made my way into the great hall and sat down. I filled my place with all different kinds of meat and began -not using a knife or fork- to take man sized bites. I nearly choked twice, but because of my testosterone enriched manly neck muscles I merely laughed at the inconvenience.

While I downed some lemonade Harry walked past.

"Oh, no" he said as I gestured for him to sit next to me.

"What do you think of my meat potter?" I say

"Your…your meat?" he stammered.

"And the dew, fizzy y'see natural spermicide . So I can bang all the chicks I want, no repercussions".

"…you…what?"

"You sain' it wont work, that I'll make babies?"

"No…err…yes"

I took another huge manly sized swig, "the hell I will" I let out a huge burp, "Fuckin shit".

He got a grip on himself. "That fizzy drink thing is a myth—besides, it supposedly only works on..."

"Spit it out potter".

"You can't..."

"Never mind ...what's with those bitches and their yeast infections?" I changed the subject

"What the hell are you talking about?" he says looking at me wide eyed.

I dropped my meat. "You've never run into one? Merlin, man, count yourself lucky. The last time I made it with a yeasty, food didn't taste right for a week. It was like bobbing for apples in a tub of vinegar oatmeal.

"I got to go."

"Yeah...get you're putting me off my sandwich."

He turned to say something, but decided better of it.

**4.00pm**

With the lesson finally over I made my way to the common room for an hour of porn and masturbation before seeing if potter and Weasley were up for sneaking out and catching some chicks in Hogsmeade.

**4.15pm**

I was really up for my masturbation session but my banana squished and Snape still had my porn mag. Didn't matter though, Harry and Ron were back and although it took some convincing, they decided to sneak out with me later.

**5.30pm**

Ruined another banana getting ready. I decided I was hungry.

**6.00pm**

Was dressed and ready, Potter was a bit peeved that I had stolen his trouser suit, but as I told him, I got no chance of banging a fit bird without it. I looked in the mirror. I was do darn shagable.

**7.25pm**

Made our way to the Three Broomsticks and found a table at the back of the pub.

"Good evening, Harry, Ron, Hermione" Madam Rosmerta said waving at us; I gave her a nod and a wink.

Leaving the table Harry and Ron sat at I moved next to a nice brunette with a short, pink skirt and a flashy blouse. I leaned over to her ear. "Hey beautiful."

She turned and backed away. "Hi."

I licked my tongue around my mouth. "Mmm, you look so tasty."

"Uh, sorry, but I'm not that way."

I ignored her. "I got a room not far from here. Ever seen a Hogwarts prefect's room? I got one."

"Listen, I like guys."

"Ahhh, you're into more than one. Well, well. I got a couple of mates with me…"

"I'm straight."

"They are guys, don't worry".

She got up and left. I looked over at the guy next to her who had been eavesdropping.

"Her loss, huh?"

He nodded.

"What's with that look?"

"What look?" I asked

He stared at my banana.

"Hey, just because I invite my friends doesn't mean I'm gay. We pick ends at the beginning and never come close to touching."

He got up and left.

Unfortunately, the rest of my evening was like that. Picking up a chick is tough work. Sure, a couple of broads gave me a glance, but they looked more manly than me. I got standards. Without standards, you end up like any Joe blow with a diseased banana and an alimony check. Fuck that.

I may be shallow, but they're ugly. "Fuckin shit" I shouted out pumping my hand in the air.

**9.15pm**

Harry and Ron had dragged me back to Hogwarts eventually. Probably just jealous of all the attention I was getting from the broads.

**12.01am**

I woke up with my head on the table in the common room, Harry and Ron had left me there. I looked down to my hand and saw my banana crusting all over the sleeve of Harry's suit.

I smiled to myself, the experiment was over, I had been a man.

**A/N; Erm , ok yeah! Hoped you liked it, or not.**

**Review?**


End file.
